Tatiana's Journal

Evil is not cool

2004-01-30T10:40:35Z

I haven't slept in over 40 hours. Everything that was odd became frightening, like a . The past 24 hours mark, I hope, the peak of all the trouble looming just outside our doors. The whole experience made me, and I know I'm not alone here, feel violated at a spiritual level. I just wish it didn't have to end in such an awful way, like if I had talked to him earlier or noticed earlier I could have saved him what I'm sure will be a painfully slow process of disdillusionment. But at the same time, I do feel much safer than I've felt most of my time back from break, and I don't miss who he was the past few weeks. The change in his (visibile)actions and (vocalized0thought over the past few weeks makes me feel seasick. I deserve to sleep in tomorrow.

Bobbilynx

2004-01-21T23:14:45Z

My name is Bobby and I have five mommies.

It takes a commune to raise a kitten.

Oh Bobby, forbidden love of Stonehenge. So goddamn cute.

Because I Really Am That Bored

2004-01-15T05:52:21Z

The soundtrack of my life:
[opening credits] Edith Piaf--La Vie en Rose
[waking up scene] Rufus Wainwright--Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
[my theme] Bealtes--In My Life
[first date scene] Wallflowers--One Headlight
[falling in love scene] Travis--Flowers in the Window
[sex scene] Nina Gordon--Tonight and the Rest of My Life
[love scene] Frank Sinatra--As Time Goes By
[break up scene] Elliot Smith--Just Somebody That I Used to Know
[get back together scene] Ani DiFranco--Gravel
[life's okay scene] Liz Phair--Nashville
[heartbreak scene] From Autumn to Ashes--Short Stories with Tragic Endings
[mental breakdown scene] Rolling Stones--Mother’s Little Helper
[driving scene] Sublime--Scarlet Begonias
[fuck shit up scene] Yeah Yeah Yeahs--Art Star
[deep thought scene] Pink Floyd--Dark Side of the Moon
[party at house scene] Dandy Warhols--Bohemian Like You
[happy dance scene] Wolfshiem--Once in a Lifetime
[flashback scene] Joan Baez--Diamonds and Rust
[long night alone scene] Joni Mitchell--The Last Time I Saw Richard
[death scene] Dar Williams--Mark Rothko Song
[closing credits] Nico--Winter Song

I was kinda disappointed that they only had a few options for falling in love, sex, etc. I've been in love with several people, and they each have their own music in my mind. So to give each his/her due credit, here they are. Names withheld to protect the guilty as well as a movie that reminds me of that person.

1: One Headlight (Wallflowers), Freshman (Verve Pipe) Defining Movie: A Clockwork Orange
2: Winter (Tori Amos)Defining Movie: Heavenly Creatures
3: She's So High (Tal Bachman) Defining Movie: American Beauty
4: Material Girl (Madonna) Defining Movie: Scary Movie
5: As Time Goes By (Frank Sinatra), Ride With Me (Nelly) Defining Movie: Nixon
6: Golden Years (David Bowie) Defining Movie: Thomas Crown Affair

And the theme movie for now: Down With Love
Overall for me: The Royal Tenenbaums

bellefrancaise @ 2004-01-07T21:06:00

2004-01-08T03:08:32Z

Masochist

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Yeah, I guess that's true. I love my friends and I think my own blood is a beautiful shade of red. Like Scarlets. I love that word, because it's a pretty color and it's like "Scarlet Begonia's" and Scarlet O'Hara.

Meow!

2004-01-06T18:11:15Z

I wake up covered in cats every day. They're on my feet, under the covers, on my head, everywhere. There were four in bed with me today (and I have a little bed here in Nashville) and my HUGE dog trying to get into bed. I feel like St. Francis. But then the kitties eat my food and make me mad. St. Francis wouldn't get mad. But he fasted a lot and I'm a hungry hungry hippo.

Why can't I wake up and be at Vassar??? I have presents for the girls and I miss them so terribly much. I wish I could turn my cats into my friends from school.

On a side note, I keep having vivid and bizarre dreams. Last night I dreamt I was an astronaut and I flew around the Earth. Oh, and there was a McDonald's in the space ship but they only took Euros.

bellefrancaise @ 2004-01-05T00:23:00

2004-01-05T06:24:39Z

I'm drunk...introduced Rebecca to the extended family. She now has permission to sleep over. ha ha ha.

New Years

2004-01-01T23:07:16Z

So Jaime and I went shopping for New Year's clothes and I got this awesome sorta black sorta pink sorta purple dress that makes my breasts look fantastic (of course, they are fantastic anyway). Jaime and I put on makeup and did our hair (she had flowers in hers!) and her dad took tons of pictures of us.

Then I got the call that my math and physics teacher from high school was in a car accident. Her husband (who she had dated since high school) and her four-year-old son (whose birth I remember very well) were also in the car and died instantly. My teacher survived, but this is another haunting death of those close to me from USN. They were on their way back from DisneyWorld.

Jaime and Rebecca and I went to a party with a bunch of anarchists for a while, but they wanted to talk Mexican politics and I know nothing about this. They also got our champagne. There were also some friends of people with whom we no longer associate there, so we skipped out early.

After driving around to various coffeehouses. (Oh, the high school desperation), we ended up at Cafe Coco, but we left there too.

We ended up at Jaime's, realizing it was midnight from Rebecca's cell phone. So we drank some champagne and that was that. Jaime is an adorable drunk. Sweet and incoherent, but adorable none the less. Before she was totally smashed she asked what event of 2003 changed us the most. At first I thought of breaking up with Isaac and moving in with Sarah because it showed me I could have a fullfilling life as a single. But the I realized that even more than that, Mary's death made me realize how much I love my friends in the first place. I don't know if I would cherish Stonehenge and the girls in Nashville as much had she not died and shocked us back into seeing the beauty of each one of us. I feel like whatever happens, my arms will be open to those I care about, and I never stop caring about anyone. Even if I don't talk to someone for a long time, I want them to know that I would do anything to help them out.

In other news, I need to stop sleeping with blankets over my head. Poor Rebecca had to deal with that last night when we finally decided to abandon drinking and just go to sleep.

I want to hug you all and say "I love you!"

bellefrancaise @ 2003-12-31T14:17:00

2003-12-31T20:23:55Z

After the long journey from New Jersey to Tennessee, I'm back, and for a record 18 days. I haven't been home this long since, hmmm...high school. Time for shopping now.

Oh yeah, happy new year. My resolution: BNW 24/7 and still graduate!

Chance of New Years booty: 75%. If the person I'm thinking of is not there, I'm sure I'll find someone.

Merry Masochistic Christmas

2003-12-25T11:31:00Z

Rather than being like all the other posers who off themselves on Christmas, I decided to just be a little masochistic, but I'm running out of self-torture ideas. Until at 5:30 AM today I decided to go on the treadmill for forty minutes on the "fat burner plus" routine or whatever. Now, I've never worked out before in my life. Ever. I've never gone running for the hell of it, and I've only gone to the gym to swim when high this summer. That's it. Christ Almighty (Happy observed b-day JC), I don't know if I love it or hate it. Well, I know I hate it. God(dess), it was awful, and I had a Clearchannel Radio pop station to serenade me on my 4 mph decent into Hell. Russ said if I work out, I'll get endorphins, which are like heroin. As of right now, I certainly don't feel like I've taken a hit of smack. I'm just smelly and in pain. But it was masochist, which is what I was going for. Along with my no drugs, no drinking, no cigarettes kick. Clearly, I've lost all sense of rationality.

Last night during a "discussion" about my future, I told my father I was a lesbian anarchist. Is this true or false? I'm not even sure myself. I just figured it would make the news that I want to be a professional bohemian easier to swallow.

bellefrancaise @ 2003-12-24T02:48:00

2003-12-24T07:46:34Z

Like we didn't see this one coming. Just don't tell the Catholics!

According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief match is Neo-Pagan. </br> What do you believe?</b></a> Visit SelectSmart.com/RELIGION

Hey, it's better than being a Protestant! (ok, I know I offended a ton of you, but if you know me, you know where I stand on the whole Martin Luther issue).

Oh my!

2003-12-24T07:15:11Z

Holy Shit, I thought no one read this anymore. My other friends have been trying to win me over to Friendster, assuring me that lj is dead. I was touched and amazed by your comments, IMs, and phone calls. I love y'all! Really!

This year has brought a lot of changes for me, and I feel bad for not giving things a try earlier. Here are three things I used to bash all the time that I got into this year:

1)livejournal...oh, how I mocked you. I got one because this girl I liked had one and I wanted to read her friends only stuff. I got onto her friends list, made out with her once, and now we like never talk, which sucks because she's cool. Thanks to Jaime for my code.

2)Lord of the Rings...oh, I resisted so much! I saw the first one with my boyfriend at the time on the small screen and wasn't too impressed. I saw the second one with him in the theater, liked it more, but I REALLY had to pee during it, so I associate the two towers with nearly wetting myself. But thanks to Mary, I'm bordering on hardcore now. I went on opening day, as Legolass (yo, I still can't spell, sorry), and based finishing my thesis around the movie schedule. And I cried during it. Honest to God(dess) tears streamed down my face as I wept at the beauty of it all.

3)Porn...oh man, was I ever Ms. Anti-porn, and I still have A LOT of issues with it, but Kristin is helping with those. If all my republican friends like it, I must be a total tight-ass not to, right? So now I watch porn a lot with the girls and am totally into the female-male penetration. Seeing guys take it in the ass is fantastic. But I don't get off on porn, I just think it's funny. And exploitive, but so is the VC bookstore and I still shop there.

So I've changed a lot this year, and these are just some of the tangible manifestations of it. I used to always need to be in a relationship, now I get pissed off if someone wants to spend the night after sex. Get the fuck out, you have your own dorm room, go there! I've become a huge commitophobe as a senior, avoiding multiple sexual encounters with the same person like the plague. And I've softened my stance on hard drugs a lot. But quoting Russ quoting Bob Dylan, "the times they are a-changing, and you've gotta change with them". Amen.

Lost at Sea

2003-12-23T00:58:04Z

Without my girls and other friends, I am nothing. I miss the girls so much, even though we talk on the phone a lot. It's not the same. I spent a lot of time with Russ this weekend and that was fun. We always have amusing conversations and end up drunk. I want him to meet my friend Martin at home.

I had a wonderful time in the city with Sarah and Sasha, and we had crazy wonderful adventures. We had a close encounter of the crazy hat lady kind one night, and this guy named Gutter kept trying to give me advice on my life/sell me cocaine on Avenue B. Russ and I walked from Union Square to the Guggenheim and saw this amazing exhibit on Rosenquist. I fucking love art museums.

I realized when I was in the city that I'm in love with a friend, and that's bad because I don't want to fuck up the Strong 4 circle of trust.

I feel really ugly and stupid and lonely. I hate my hair, my face, and my body.

My biological family has abandonned me. I'm in Albany, at my father's but he's gone for a few days. I don't know when I'll see my mother or where she is. This bullshit happens every Christmas, and it sets me up for the downward spiral of depression that is every second semester.

I hope to be in Nashville for New Years. There's a certain party I'm looking forward to. Rebecca called me last night, and we had a wonderful talk. I want to be in bed held by those who truly love me, in NY and TN.

I quit smoking for the most part. Cigarettes, that is (let's not get too crazy here). In any case I've gone from over a pack and half a day to 2 cigarettes a day.

Almost...there...

2003-12-18T20:05:29Z

I'm so close to be done with this semester. I've got my art history exam tomorrow, and I've been doing my reading and I think I'll be ok. My thesis is done, bound, and in the hands of the English department. I feel like such a tool admitting it, but I really enjoyed writing it because I developed such a close relationship with Gatsby.

I saw Return of the King yesterday with the girls (and a couple of guys) and it was amazing, the best one of the trilogy in my opinion. The past couple of years I've really resisted the LOTR movement, deliberately distancing myself from it as much as possible. But this year Mary convinced me to give it another try, and she really made me appreciate so much about it. I wept in the theatre yesterday because the movie was just so goddamn beautiful.

Tomorrow to the city for more adventures in Bohemia. And Saturday Sarah gets back!!! I'm so excited to see her again and hear about Italy. And probably get drunk. At some point I'll make my way to New Jersey and then to TN. I should be in Nashville for New Years. I miss the girls already, and they haven't even all left yet. I might as well be dating them, only we don't have sex or fight, just chilling together for hours upon hours. When I get back we'll have communal hamsters! Look out for rodents in balls around the 'henge.

Zoloft: Now in Holiday Strength

2003-12-03T20:39:03Z

I found my keys after so long! I found them right after I woke up to Mary bringing me food and making sure I was out of bed for work. So happy!

I don't know if I'm really industrious or just a total slacker. My room is messy, but my thesis is good. Classes are over for the most part, so no more of that "do I skip or do I go" dilemma.

Thanksgiving was happy time in the city with Sasha. From gay clubbing with other Vassar people to making cinnamon rolls at NYU, it was a fun experience. I liked being with Sasha and having poverty-induced makeshift-family tofurkey day. I had a small misadventure in the East Village, but I've learned my lesson and won't let it get me down.

People keep "checkin in" on me. What is this about? If you're concerned, there's no need to be. I'm superhappygoodcool! Come by and hug me, though, because I like hugs and so do you.

A Brief Moment of Truth

2003-11-25T19:14:34Z

Ok lj, you win. I feel like sharing my honest feelings with cyberspace. Maybe I should make this friends only. But I don't do that.

Anyway, I'm so tired. I'm so cracked out. My thesis is being written. I know people who are further ahead than me, others that are way behind. I write, EVERY NIGHT, starting at midnight and won't stop until I literally pass out (not just nod off, I mean falling out of the desk chair) or until I'm satisfied with my work. But I'm never satisfied. I love Gatsby so much more for doing this. There's a weird intellectual seduction between Scott and me. If he weren't dead, I would do him.

I got my period today for the first time since september despite being on the pill. My body, all of it, is so fucked up I half expect to just drop dead sans warning eventually. I'm not depressed, I just let my spirit live outside of my body now.

The girls are so wonderful and I love them so much. We live on a commune and have a (female) barter economy based on providing everyone with their needs. Male dominated capitalism is ridiculous. Go a month without using money. It's fantastic. I love coming home to a roomful of girls on my bed getting high and watching Quills. On Thursday or Friday (I don't really sleep any more, I can't keep track of days) the girls persuaded me to go see Pirates of the Carribean (we had just watched From Hell) and we brought copious amounts of beer to the theatre and I was SO SMASHED by the end. I hadn't even touched alcohol since Halloween, and though I didn't drink much, I was pretty yo-ho-ho-and-a-bottle-of-rum myself. Then I went to the Everready and feasted. (Meals, another part of life to go by the wayside for me). I think I lost my keys this night, but it may have been earlier. I miss them, especially the bottle opener attached to them.

Anyway, I'm at work, so I should contribute 15 minutes of labor or so. Ah, the American Work Ethic.

P.S. I'm scared shitless of the real world and think back to last year and one particular senior I knew who was freaked out. I wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been, should have been, etc. Deepest and sincere apologies and let's just get this bullshit over with.

bellefrancaise @ 2003-11-24T15:56:00

2003-11-24T20:56:20Z

Dorothy Parker writes you, you wonderfully urbane,
witty boozehound, you.

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If all the girls who ever went to Vassar were layed end to end I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm still alive, just not for you

2003-11-20T18:32:02Z

All I have time for now is 1)the girls and 2)thesis.

And I don't really give a shit about very much else. The thesis monster comes and rapes me every night, and my lack of sleep has fried my brain like a goddamn omelet. Next semester, though, when this beast will have been downed, I will end my senior year in a blaze of glorious amusement.

Cheerio!

Why didn't I know y'all before this year!!!

2003-11-10T21:00:12Z

Damn, this past week has been spent with my Strong girls (the hallway has now been named "Stonehenge") reviewing the case of the Australian drifter who wouldn't leave and why this is unacceptable as well as other reasons why love sucks but is so wonderful at the same time. Many, manys viewing of Down with Love. I've seen that movie nine times in the past two weeks. So good.

Friday I refused to leave the dorm until well after 11:30 PM. And that was to stock up on bnw. Then Mary and Russ and I went to Scantily-clad in Cushing and it sucked because there were all these naked Vassar students grinding their flesh against one another. The smell of sex and dankness filled the hallways up to the third floor, where we went to hang out while the party was going on. I remember I went to that party once in skanky clothes, and I apologize for thinking I was sexy. I wasn't.

Saturday Sasha stayed with me. It was completely different from what I was expecting, but I really enjoyed spending so much time with him and Russ. I miss Sarah so much. She was by far the best roommate I've ever had and such a good friend this summer. When Mary met Sasha she screamed "you look just like your sister!" and started hugging him.

I'd call you a slut, but you'd take it as a compliment

2003-11-03T20:59:21Z

Hmmm. I love and hate livejournal. I'd rather if she hadn't hooked up with my ex-boyfriend the same night as me, and I think she knows I feel like that, and I think she'll read this. But whatever. So all night when you were making fun of him, was that before or after you fucked him? I could call you in person to discuss this, but I know I won't be really mad at you, but right now I am pretty pissed.

The Aussi is gone, for a while at least, thank God(dess) since I just want some personal space and sexual freedom. Not to mention his attempts at being the cock in the henhouse of Strong 4. Sweet, wonderful girls. I love them so much. And no guy, regardless of his dick size and accent, will break my loyalty to them. The night I got back from the city Mary and I smoked until early morning and then I had lunch with Elif and watched Lolita with Emily and Tegwin and Mary. So cool.

A feminist romance!

2003-10-30T19:02:06Z

Y'all have to see Down with Love! It's so great! It satisfies my longing for a feminist romance story. I laughed, I cheered, I almost peed myself at times. I think Mary might have.

Stephon the Vander-rat

2003-10-24T04:40:59Z

I stole a plastic rat from my old frat house today. I'm going to make a video of it taking bong hits and send it to my ex-boyfriend. Ha ha ha. Last time I stole this rat, though, he actually came up to Vassar and caught me in bed with a girl. Whoops! Hopefully that scared him off from another visit.

The rest of my day was spent doing recruiting for Vassar and doing research in the Vandy library. But I'm done with all my reading for next week, so I can spend time with you-know-who.

I went to the art museum here tonight and saw a naked picture of Joe Dallasandro. Drool...
Then I went shopping and bought mango stuff so I'd smell like Austrailian fruit. Oh yeah, I'm gone.

A Sort of Fairytale

2003-10-23T07:13:21Z

So my Aussie love called me the other day (after going through a lot of work to track down my number) to say that he couldn't go back to Austrailia without seeing me again, so he changed his flight and is spending a week with me at Vassar when I get back and then we're going to spend a weekend in the city. Holy shit, man. All you Vassar folk must come meet him!!!

My time in Nashville is basically a lot of bar hopping, ethinic food, and hooking up with ex girlfriends and boyfriends. Sigh, the plight of the true bisexual...

From Left to Right

2003-10-20T07:07:37Z

This morning and afternoon I did Food Not Bombs with lalenalefay and some of her friends, and it was amazingly rewarding. I even got over my knife phobia and diced veggies and fruit for hours without losing any fingers. We served people in Riverfront Park, and I talked with a lot of really awesome homeless people. I ended up bumming out almost two full packs of cigarettes, but hopefully that will up my smoker karma. Good hippy Tatiana.

Mr. Vanderbilt called and asked me to dinner. Jaime drove me to his frat house where she met him for the first time (but the legend is imfamous). I was wearing dirty jeans with food on them and a torn t-shirt from about 15 years ago and a gay pride bandana. He wasn't expecting me right then, and he didn't recognize me at first. For him, he was nice, but he no longer extended the dinner invitation and Jaime said she thought he being mean.

Within five minutes of arriving at home, he called and I went out to dinner with him, then spent some time at the frat house. I know I know I know, I've been in this fucked up relationship for over three years now even though both of us profess loathing the other. Then I found out he has a pseudo-girlfriend at Auburn who he's going to see tomorrow. He got slapped. Several times. But we're cool. For now. The whole dynamic of our relationship is based on drama and always has been. Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever hooked up when one of us wasn't dating someone else. I can't imagine not having him in my life, although we go long stretches in between talking. He makes me laugh and cry more than anyone else in the world. Did I mention he's a Fascist?

My mommy calls to me now. Must run. Miss you Vassar folk.

Homecoming

2003-10-19T07:33:29Z

I'm back in Nashville!

This morning on the plane I was sitting next to this army cadet who was on his way to Kuwait. We ended up being slightly BNW (woo-hoo mile high club!). I didn't mention my anti-war views to him, and I don't care if he was for or against the war. I felt like a young woman in WWII giving kisses to soldiers. Come on, the guy is stuck in a bullshit situation where he's in an all-male environment indefinitely. It's my version of patriotism.

I met my two new kittens at home. Robbie has six toes and is all black with freaky gold eyes. He likes to ride on my shoulder and snuggle. He's next to me right now. I'll let him say something:

mmmmm erdkolesw

That was really his paw typing "meow". Maybe if he didn't have so many goddamn toes it would be more readable.

I went out with

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BLISS

2003-10-18T05:07:12Z

I'm so so so happy.

We got to be in love for three days, knowing that after that two hemispheres seperate us.

We talked about mangos and surfing and made love over and over until five minutes before I had to leave. I haven't seen anyone for days, and that's ok.

I've had a lot of random hookups recently, but this is the first that really made me satisfied.

I don't even know his real name.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.